Monkey on the Back

Those were the times when life was care free and uncomplicated. There was no television, no pressure about home works, we were just an ordinary group of care free children who were happy with small things and had perfected the art of discovering joy with things which otherwise never made sense to any adult. Like many children, we were a curious lot of rascals, impish, mischievous and at times tiring to our parents. We had our own groups, own issues, own likes and dislikes, our own play games most of which were rustic, come to think of it, many of these games have become extinct in large cities.

Among the many fascinations we had, the novelty about the ‘madari’ ( monkey man) and his monkey. He has always stayed in my memory. Even as I write, the image of the ‘madari’ flashes before me - a darkish medium height man with a pencil moustache on a fluid face that always had two-day-old stubble, a white dirty cap with a ‘jari’ lining always tilted and a ‘beedi’ hanging from his lips. His loose fitting pajama - kurta had never possibly been touch by water for weeks.

On his right hand was a rope, loosely held and the other end of the rope was tethered to a red color collar around a monkey’s neck. On his left had he had a ‘dumroo’ - a small drum with a small rope on both the ends. Whenever he used to turn his writs rapidly, the dumroo would make a cracking noise as the small rope hit the each side of the drum with speed. The madari used to always announce his arrival with the cracking noise of the dumroo and always followed it up with a high nasal pitch shout inviting you to come and watch the antiques of the monkey. As soon a small group of children gathered, he used to tug the rope in his right hand, a sort of signal to the monkey to start his antiques. Different tugs of the rope meant a different signal to the monkey, who used to dance, do somersaults, smoke a beedi, comb hair etc.

We used to religiously clap and shout with glee for every act of the monkey, never bored with the repetitions. Sometimes, we used to reward the monkey by throwing peanuts and at other times tease it by calling it names. The signal for the show to have ended was a hard tug by the madari on the rope and the monkey used to quickly scamper up and sit on his shoulder or back and clap his hands.

Monkey on our back!!!

Today as a counsellor, I often have to tell my clients, “get the monkey of your back” and every time I say it, the madari and his monkey flashes in a jiffy before my eyes.

All of us have our own monkeys on our back; in fact we love to have them. We want to keep with us all our pain, fear, guilt and whatever has hurt us in past as a monkey on madari’s back. We not only love them but also feel proud about the size of the monkey on our back. We know it adds to our burden, makes us heavy, often depresses us, but still we do not want to let go. We realize that sensibility dictates life never stops, keeps moving on, but still we would like to pause all our pain, bad experiences, broken relationships, guilt and fear on our back.

One of the common challenge I often face is “how to invite my clients see reason to let go and get the monkey off her/his back?”

Only when we come to terms to our current reality and learn to accept, will we get the monkey off our back. We often forget that the end of the rope tethered to the collar on the monkey’s neck is in our hand and only we can get the monkey off our back!!

Relationships

We, as human beings, occupy an important position in the chain of evolution as we can emote, see, sense and think. What however makes us different from other species is our need for contact and relationships.

Relationships are very important for human beings. Relationships helps us to keep engaged, talk, create ideas, share thoughts and ideas, express and receive love and care, enjoy the beauty of nature - the list is a long one. We need people around us, people with whom we want to share. This contact and sharing gives us an experience of joy and happiness. In a way, it validates our existence. We look for acceptance of ourselves, of our pain, love and sense of existence. This is only possible with help of other human being – a relationship.

The desire for relationship is so strong, that sometimes people relate to cats, dogs or other pets and transfer all their emotions for the need for relations ships to these pets. It is not uncommon to hear about persons who talk to plants to get over their need to relate.

Despite the strong urge in humans for establishing relationships, there is a pathological side to these relationships. Relationships, at times, are cause of pain. An unhealthy relationship can often cause hurt, ridicule and shame. They become the power games with one party in the relationship finding faults, putting down the other, making the other person dependent or being at mercy of other. This results in an expression of power on one hand and powerlessness at the other. The hidden agenda in such relationships often leads to unconscious, repetitive behavior patterns between two people leaving both of them unhappy.

A lot has been written on why people play games in relationships.  Psychological games often result in a high emotional charge and some attention.  In such cases, the individuals prefer this negative attention to no attention at all.

True relationships result in closeness, security and growth – maturity. A good Counselling relationship creates a healthy pattern of behaviour that finally helps the client in developing sustainable and healthy human relationships.

WORDS

Words express human beings. Words help us to say what we think or feel.

Words can create trust or mistrust.  If value our words then there is no difference in what we say and what we do. But the moment, we do not mean what we say, we end up creating mistrust.

Communication is not about using flowery words or fantastic English or using quotations of great thinkers and poets. Communication is a flow of what you say and mean. For example, if I say that, ”I will meet you on Monday” and I do meet you as expressed -  I am creating a bond of trust. When I praise a person for his or her achievement, unless I mean what I say, my words will get lost.

When we use words and express ourselves, we tend to ignore the fact that the other person is recording every word we are saying, he is trying to collate whether there is any discrepancy between what I say and what I mean – my actions. Any doubt or disconnect between spoken will result in halting the character building process. With many gaps between words and actions, we become fragmented people - the character building stops.  You collapse into becoming a random structure. Nothing builds on random structure, no character, no trust, no team and no effective action. Your foundation is weak and one cannot build a huge tower on a weak structure which is fragmented.

We often come across people who talk a lot but they fall short of action. The deluge of words by these people really means nothing, in fact it dissolves into thin air, even before it reaches our ears.

On the other hand, history is replete with great masters whose words still carry a lot of strength and character. We are able to still relate to their words and thoughts. We get motivated and charged when we read their words. The strength of their words have resulted in creation of strong institutions which have stood the test of time and have become a beacon of hope for all of us.

Such is the power of the ‘words’ we use!

Barefoot Counsellors

I have fond memories of my grandmother patiently telling me stories, not only to entertain me but also shape my values or helping me to face situations.
Today as a counsellor when I reflect on those times, I am able to grasp the process employed by her. She may not have been a trained counsellor but she knew the subtleties of counselling as a process.
She knew very naturally that counselling is an intense process wherein one human being extends healthy contact to the other.  She had very naturally accumulated years of worldly wisdom based on her experiences and learning. She was willing to share these experiences and learning with others.   

When I come across very powerful people of age 60 and above, sometimes I see a shadow of ‘sunken cost’ in their eyes. Others have stopped taking their opinion on various issues at home such as children and their discipline, health issues, social relationships or education. However, some of them are really accomplished as well as willing people who are viewed as “out of use” by others!   

If only we are able to train this very important population of our society on simple aspects of how to handle counselling process, we have an army of barefoot counsellors. The rich and vast experience accumulated by the elderly can be shaped and added to the effectiveness of counselling process. They have the time and the intellectual capability.

The pressure of urban life has made it difficult for parents to spend quality time in understanding their children and their issues. On the other hand, the grand parents often feel unwanted and believe they are a sunken cost. Training them as a barefoot counsellor will give them a purpose and make them more active. There will be challenges, as they have to be taught how to overcome their ego and judgementality and become more effective to participate in the counselling process. But creating barefoot counsellors is not an impossible concept!

THE HIDDEN BLACK SWAN

We are so attached to our image and mostly we think, “I am so correct and conscientious that I will always be remembered for my best qualities that I show to others.” 

But hear this: There is nobody who is all good or all bad. We are all mixed.

The saint has hidden ‘id’ impulses and the bad one has hidden goodness inside.

Our society fails to see this as it does not like ‘black’ but knows that we can not eradicate this from within. 

No one can be without ‘id’ so what we learn is to hide behind the ‘black’ swan. The so called self – righteous people find somebody or some situation that they can smartly use their impulses in disguise.

A girl came shouting and screaming about her lover who deceived her and to teach him a lesson of his life, she had a very ‘dark plan’.  

I was very surprised to hear about it from her as she always presented as the ‘good’ girl and so very ‘helpful’ and ‘conscientious’.

Everybody who is smart and socially correct is waiting for somebody to be black so that the can hide behind the shadow and bring out his ‘id’ impulses.  

But the ‘black swan’ knows about this and he laughs at the coward !

HUMAN CONTACT

All that we need is a simple human contact to lead a normal day to day life. However, such "unconditional positive regard" is not easily available.

I have seen that even if you extend such simple human contact to other, it is very difficult for others to receive it – they don't know what to do with it. They question its authenticity.

My experience and intuition guides me for "authentic human contact" with my clients.

There are many who have found themselves and their identity purely due to presence of "unconditional positive regard".  However, there are many who only experience anger and frustration towards this healthy human to human interaction that non - judgmental and most happily showered on them without any ulterior motive.

I feel that there is no need for any adult to feel scared or feel that their life will get ruined by such unconditional positive regard.

Some who are still stuck in their ‘Child Ego State’, unconditional stroke is just too comforting and then they get addicted to it. They get very angry as you withdraw this contact from them.  If you don’t have any ulterior motive, then these addicts will find their own baring sooner or later.

PROVOCATION

It is common to find people defending their anger and frustration by saying" He/She provoked me".

What does provocation mean? The classic text book meaning of provocation is: something that incites or provokes; a means of arousing or stirring to action or unfriendly behavior that causes anger or resentment'

We often resort to consoling ourselves as a justification for our behaviour by saying to ourselves-" What I said or did may not be correct, but then he/she provoked me to respond in this manner".

Provocation can be active or passive. When we react due to a specific action or words of another person it is usually active form of provocation.  But some times, the opposite party can be silent which has been bothering us or appears indifferent to our frustration, then it is a form of passive provocation.

How do we handle provocation?

The only tool available to us is introspection. As a part of the introspection process, we have to ask ourselves-

"What made me angry?"

We have to remember, that we use provocation as a justification for our behaviour, whereas the true cause for our anger may reside somewhere else.

The answer to the question "What made me angry?" has to be answered with a certain level of honesty. It is only then we will get to the bottom of the reasons which made us angry or frustrated in the first place.

The process of self discovery involves the practice of being honest to ourselves. If we are committed to understand ourselves better and come to terms with our selves, we must learn to practice the art of introspection with a high level of honesty.